My friends, they love my intelligence
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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