I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
