I only kidnapped one of them. chill
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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