Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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