I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
