Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
