omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
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