I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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