Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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