My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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