Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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