All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
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You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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