Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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