I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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