I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
