This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
