I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
