Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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