Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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