yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
