Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Sorry my hands just texted you
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
