I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
