Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
