I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
