I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
