I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
