I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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