He uses pillows to masturbate.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
