Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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