You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
