I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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