can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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