we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
