At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
