you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
