I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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