I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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