His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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