Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
