you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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