I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
