this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
