I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
