I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
