a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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