Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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