OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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