I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
