I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My liver just had a heart attack.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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