I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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