remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
