from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
