shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I love having hate sex.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
