Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
