I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
