On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
