So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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