we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
