Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
