laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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